Archive for the ‘silliness’ Category

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Between the Covers

August 23, 2009

Check out my story today on things you might find inside a used book in today’s Edmonton Journal.

Such as the Edmonton Bookstore’s bottle of Cutty Sark pictured below, cut into the pages of a volume on English poetry. Cool and Shawshank-esque. A bit disturbing too.

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The idea for this story came to me by chance a few weeks ago when we were asked for some interesting summer reads. I remember talking with a bookstore worker once about antique football (‘soccer’) tickets found inside old books. It popped into my mind — what about all the other bookstores?

Have any of you ever found something interesting in a book? I’d be curious.

My own list includes a nearly century-old religious bookmark, a program from a 1950s cruise, and a few plane tickets. My mom found $300 in a box of books headed to goodwill. My sister had forgotten she stashed the money during a move from Ft. McMurray to Calgary. My brother found some high school photo of a woman in a used book and promptly slapped it on his fridge, where it stayed for years.  It always made me laugh to see the smile of a complete stranger as I reached to mooch some food.

Sunday, August 23: Treasures Hidden Between the Covers, A1.

Sunday, August 23: Paralyzed Lawyer Jumps for Charity, A11.

Friday, August 21: Undercover sting snares litterbug, B1.

Thursday, August 20: Two suspects hunted in bank-security scam, B3.

Wednesday, August 19: 2,400 pigs die in Alberta barn fire, A1.

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From Tofino to Tokyo

August 15, 2009

I was talking to my bro-in-law last night about Vancouver and the assorted Islands. He figured there was nowhere like Tofino. You can stand on the beach looking west and contemplate that the next piece of land is Japan.

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“Japan?,” I asked. “Wouldn’t it be Russia?”

I went to Google Maps, the source of knowledge for all things geographic, to settle the issue.

Well, due west of Tofino is something in between Russia and Japan.

But check out direction #25!

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This week’s articles in the Edmonton Journal:

Saturday, August 15: Jamaican cadets march to new drummer, A15.

Tuesday, August 11: City doctor charged with molesting children, A3.

Monday, August 10: Homeowner suspected of arson; Son comes home to find house ablaze, A5.

Sunday, August 9: Aerosmith Concert Postponed, B5.

Posted in journalism, silliness | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment »

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How to Avoid Church

July 31, 2009

This is must-see video footage of a 7-year old Utah boy who decided to steal his parents car rather than go to church. Awesome.

In other news, here’s my latest batch of articles. It includes my first business section front pager and my first published photo (besides the technicality of pressing the button on this horse photo):

Friday, July 31: Economic slump paves way to lower bids for road work, B1.

Thursday, July 30: Hinton’s ‘heart and soul’ goes up in smoke with theatre, A10.

Wednesday, July 29: ‘Flying aerosol can’ puts on firefighting demonstration, F1.

Tuesday, July 28: Stabbing victim stood up for friend, A8.

Monday, July 27: Memories of Capital Ex etched permanently into their skin, A5.

Friday, July 25: Dream homes just a ticket away, B3.

Thursday, July 24: Mom slams kids’ rides pricing at Ex, B2.

Wednesday, July 23: Pilgrims escape bus inferno, B3.

Wednesday, July 23: Cop cleared in mall shooting, B6.

Tuesday, July 22: Have no fear, ‘Batman’ is here, A1.

Sunday, July 20: ‘It’s almost like they’ve been twisted’, A5.

Sunday, July 20: Whyte Avenue profits gone with the wind, A5.

You too can get a tattoo at Capital Ex!!

You too can get a tattoo at Capital Ex!!

Posted in religion and spirituality, silliness | Leave a Comment »

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On Uncreative Spam

June 17, 2009

I know I can’t be alone in wondering how many spammers make it in this world, what with the troubled economy and all that spamming competition.

I recently received the following spam message and felt pity for the poor sap who wrote it:

You know so many interesting infomation. You might be very wise. I like such people. Don’t top writing.

You can’t top writing, my spammy friend.

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Sugar my Tea?: My sister on Roger Whittaker’s putridity

May 30, 2009

I was searching through newspaper archives today when I found a hidden gem written by my sister Carmen in 1996. I thought it should be resurrected, and what better place than my website?

A little background: my sister was responding to a letter to the Calgary Herald editor about Nine Inch Nails, aka Trent Reznor. The letter, entitled “Alternative Filth,” was penned by a concerned mother of impressionable youths, who inadvertently read the lyrics from the CD collection of her children. My sister rather liked our friend Trent.

Young and sarcastic (with time on her hands), Carmen wrote a brilliant, scathing parody suggesting that there is much more to Roger Whittaker’s lyrics than his avuncular whistles and whimsy suggests (e.g. youtube video below).

Mom was appalled. Confused elderly people called our house, explaining to Carmen that they always thought Roger Whittaker was above reproach.

Re “Alternative filth,” Herald Letters, March 22.

Recently, my 49-year-old father purchased his first cassette tape called Songs of Love and Life by Roger Whittaker. After listening to the first track, Flip Flap, I was compelled to read the horrific lyrics cryptically enclosed. I had no choice but to immediately smash and burn my father’s entire collection of cassettes, not to mention his eight-track cassette player.

Why are adults permitted to purchase such filth? How can a father, whose ideals and morals shape those of his malleable children, have access to music — and I use the term loosely — that transcends the boundaries of musical taste in its nauseating sentimentality. The song Sugar My Tea, for example, has shocking implications when taken out of context, and the blasphemous song “Swaggy” needs no further explanation.

I delivered the charred remains of this abomination to the music store’s manager, who shook his head in disgust and pity, then wept. My mother tells me that there are others who listen to this detestable putridity. I cannot understand what our society has come to.

Carmen Wittmeier , Calgary.

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Reading Week + Tweeting = Neglecting the Site

February 21, 2009

For those of you who follow this blog, you may notice I haven’t been writing much lately.

It’s been 10 days since my last post, and I’m starting to develop a deep-abiding shame at my neglect.

There are several perfectly good reasons I’ve been away. For one, it’s reading week and I was back in Edmonton for the past few days, reading Robertson Davies novels and eating my mother-in-law’s delicious cooking. When I came back to Vancouver a couple of days ago, my wife and I cleaned and entertained some visiting friends en route to a Whistler ski trip.

I’ve also developed BFS (blogging fatigue syndrome). I just finished my 4-week blogging stint for the UBC School of Journalism’s website, thethunderbird.ca. Blogging twice a week on a single topic taught me to respect the legions of people who keep up their blogging habits for years and years. It takes determination to keep focused and looking for new material. The advantage of having a personal website/blog is that I can talk about whatever strikes me as interesting, even if it’s as unrelated as the Pope and stranded horses.

Perhaps the biggest reason is that I’m becoming addicted to Twitter. At 140 characters each entry, I can sum up my feelings and opinions concisely and superficially, and instantly reach my fellow tweeters.

Thinking about my online habits has gotten me to thinking about how the past year in journalism school has changed me:

- My attention span has shortened considerably. Thanks to RSS feeds and Twitter, I’m constantly wondering what’s happening, instead of thinking about what I might say.

- I’ve become a shameless self-promoter. In the olden days when I studied theology, I was perfectionistic and didn’t want anything I’d written to see the light of day. I would have been appalled at the prospect of having my own website, much less the vanity of googling my own name.

But fortunately, I also think I’m becoming a better writer, which is why I came here in the first place.

J-School makes me think about better ways to say what I say. Could it be punchier? Less complicated? Funnier?

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Send Me Your Bad Christmas Letters

January 6, 2009

My sister Carmen has what we’ll call a “unique” sense of humour.

She is many things: children’s author, former newsmagazine reporter, instructor in English literature, a humanitarian and philanthropist. But she is known to take a joke a little far.

Carmen and Llama look on in Peru

Carmen and Llama look on in Peru

- Her website “My Whiskers Fly!” features my beloved near-nonagenarian grandmother flipping the bird.

- She certainly has an interesting style of travel writing, as well as a fondness for guinea pigs.

- Her wedding invitation was a postcard for a “Nuptial Smackdown” – with Carmen and her husband-to-be photoshopped menacingly onto body-builder-bodies. Some family members were none too pleased (I laughed nervously).

- In writing a book on counseling book on crisis situations, Carmen changed names to refer to friends and family.

Over the holidays, my family and I were talking about her latest escapade – her first annual family Christmas letter – an homage to all that is awful about Christmas or End of Year letters. She brags endlessly about the accomplishments of her family, chronicles the minutiae that people don’t care about, and writes as though her pet rabbit is truly human. Worst of all, she makes insinuations about the personal lives of her larger family, myself included. And in characteristic fashion, she sent it out to EVERYONE, even those who most certainly wouldn’t get her slightly different take on funny.

All of this got us to chatting about the possibility – no, the necessity – of a website and coffee table book comprised of bad Christmas letters. The idea seems pretty good. It’d be extremely easy to produce (like hilarious reader-submitted websites such as www.engrish.com), all you would need is some snappy graphics (like books based on PostSecret.blogspot.com).

But alas, there are already some examples online of bad letters:

- Here’s a tw0 year-old MSNBC piece with bad letters aplenty.

- Or here’s another example of a bad Christmas letter.

- The website www.badchristmasletters.com is currently under construction.

Sigh. There goes my idea for an easy million.

Posted in silliness | Tagged | 4 Comments »

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Swingin’ to the Oldies & the Irony Reserve

November 24, 2008

Sunday’s New York Times proclaims that irony is dead, or ailing, or something to that effect.

The article compares today with the post-9/11 zeitgeist, when everyone was declaring irony dead at the scene. Today, the major difference is that instead of a calamity and fear, you have an African-American heading to the White House, and everyone is so gosh-darn hopeful. Yep, Obamania hit America, and irony got caught in the crossfire.

The best part of the Times piece is the quote from Colson Whitehead:

“Something bad happens, like 9/11, it’s the death of irony,” Mr. Whitehead said in an e-mail message on Thursday. “Something good happens, like Obama’s win, it’s the death of irony. When will someone proclaim the death of iceberg lettuce? I’m sick of it making my salads boring.”

He’s right, you know. Boring salads are one of our greatest problems.

I never paid too much attention to the state of irony post-9/11, and I suspect that I won’t any time soon. But can irony really be too far diminished in the age of the “interweb,” when all silly things are readily accessible?

I daresay the internet has bequeathed an “Irony Reserve” on us, far greater than anyone in any other time ever imagined.

Take the seemingly limitless possibilities for cheesy jazzed-up covers of serious hit songs:

In the olden days, you may have had to settle for William Shatner’s fantastically awful Mr. Tambourine Man, or perhaps Bill Murray’s SNL take on the Star Wars theme. Today, you have a virtual panoply of musical irony, from the 90s Frank Bennett’s (and not Tony Sinatra) “Creep”; Mike Flowers “Wonderwall”; to Richard Cheese’s more recent “Welcome to the Jungle” (Pardon Me… do you know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby”).  Even some washed-up old-timers are getting in on the irony gig, such as Paul Anka’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” and Pat Boone “Crazy Train.”

Please see the videos below. And dream of the ironic possibilities.

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Super Obama World

November 22, 2008

I know this is a few weeks or even months late, but I recently discovered the website

www.superobamaworld.com

First of all, I find it a curious thing that someone had the idea to put Obama and Palin in a Super Mario game (set in Alaska). Second, it’s downright weird that someone actually programmed it. But strangest of all, I actually found myself playing it.

Could you imagine something similar in Canada — Ignatieff Kong, Hard Hat Harper, or Green Invaders?

I can only dream that our political discourse will get there.

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Posted in canadian politics, silliness | Tagged | Leave a Comment »

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